媽媽說我不好看

她其實沒有那麼討厭自己的身體。 有些時候。 她甚至覺得自己很好看。 可是那些時候總是很短暫。 因為很快地。 別人的目光就會出現。 她開始想像別人喜歡什麼樣的胸部。 什麼樣的身材。 什麼樣的女人。 然後一點一點修改自己。 一點一點否定自己。 一點一點遠離自己。 她不敢和其他女孩一起洗澡。 不喜歡在親密關係裡開燈。 害怕被看見。 更害怕被看見之後不被喜歡。 她以為自己在討厭身體。 後來才發現。 自己真正害怕的， 從來不是身體。 而是別人的眼睛。 If no one were watching, would she finally believe she was beautiful? There are moments when she genuinely likes her body. Moments when she sees beauty in herself. But those moments never last for long. Sooner or later, other people’s expectations arrive. The ideal body. The ideal woman. The ideal version of beauty. She begins measuring herself against standards that were never hers to begin with. She avoids being seen. She avoids changing around other women. She avoids light during intimacy. Not because she hates her body, but because she fears what others might think of it. For years, she believed her insecurity came from her appearance. What she eventually discovered was something far more painful: she was never looking at herself through her own eyes.