我應該愛我自己

我是S，今年25歲，與心理病症拉扯已過十年。 曾留英、喜閱讀；厭惡人類、愛戀動物。 18歲那年、我在北英的萬聖節夜晚，遇見鬼，牠使用我，牲畜般、失去文明的如引擎的低吼，然後釋放，牠汗涔涔地說：「這件bra很好看，我喜歡這種的。」我一語不發，靈魂與軀殼分離，以他者的角度懸浮在空氣的孔洞之中，看著兩俱巨大的肉塊碰撞，她發出嬰孩那樣、哭泣的悶哼聲，隨著破裂的處女膜，參雜經血，流淌在疼痛至虛無的房間裏。 「人比鬼可怕」她想起爸爸說的話，那晚真的有鬼。鬼說：「要不是妳月經來，我就射在裡面。」 他們稱之為「強暴後倖存者」，我永遠不懂倖存的定義，之於我生命裡大大小小的龐雜太重，已成為死不死、活不活的活屍。 我是S，最後我把那件內衣，因為胸部過小有襯墊的前扣式內衣、在primark買的廉價內衣，丟進垃圾桶。這一輩子我的一部分被掠奪，牠永遠不會還給我。 I am S, twenty-five years old this year, and I have been wrestling with mental illness for over a decade. I studied in the UK, and I love reading. I despise humanity, yet I adore animals. When I was eighteen, on a Halloween night in northern England, I met a ghost. It used me. Like livestock. With the low mechanical growl of an engine stripped of all civilization. Then it finished. Sweating, it said, “That bra looks nice. I like this kind.” I said nothing. My soul separated from my body. I floated in a hollow pocket of air, watching from the perspective of a stranger. Two enormous masses of flesh collided beneath me. She made the muffled whimper of an infant crying. As her hymen tore, mixed with menstrual blood, it flowed across a room so painful it had become empty. “People are more frightening than ghosts.” She remembered what her father had once said. That night, there really was a ghost. The ghost said, “If you weren’t on your period, I would have come inside you.” They call people like me “rape survivors.” I have never understood the meaning of survival. The weight of everything that followed became too vast, too tangled, too heavy. I became something neither dead nor alive—a walking corpse. I am S. In the end, I threw that bra away. A cheap front-clasp bra with padded cups bought from Primark because my breasts were too small. A part of me was stolen that night. And it will never be returned.